“I’m OK if you’re OK” – A Valentines Relationship Tip
In my last video, I talked about the importance of loving yourself unconditionally.
Today, being the “Official Day of Love” I’d like to give you a tip on how to improve your personal relationships – whether that’s with a spouse/partner or another relationship.It’s a continuation on the self-love theme, but particularly in relation to other people.
My tip today is to notice where your ability to love yourself depends on how much other people show you love, or where you find that your happiness is dependent on the happiness of your loved ones.
If you find yourself only being ok when the people you love are ok… or only feeling loved/lovable if you are being “shown love” in a particular way… then you’re making your happiness dependent on other people… essentially giving away control over your happiness.
This is something I’m having to learn myself… for example, my husband has been ill for a long time now, last year he was diagnosed with cancer and had an operation, and although he was given the all clear and doesn’t need any more treatment for the cancer itself, there are other underlying health problems that are making him very uncomfortable and unhappy.
For a lot of this period, my own sense of wellbeing depended on whether he was having a good day or a bad day. And I found myself trying to control things and “make” him do things that I thought would make him feel better, and then when I couldn’t control things I just felt bad and started to feel sorry for myself – which just put pressure on both of us and made us both more miserable.
I’m in the process of unlearning this habit (which I realise has roots WAY before I ever met my husband). But when I take a moment to notice myself doing this - with him and with other people - it gives me a choice… I can choose to get caught up someone else’s “stuff” or to separate myself from it and remember that it’s ok for me to be ok even if the person or people I love most are not. In fact, it will help them if I make sure I’m ok regardless, because then I’ll have love, energy and compassion to share with them. You can’t pour from an empty cup after all,
When I do this, not only do I feel better, but so does my husband, because it takes the pressure off both of us and allows us to love each other just as we are.
I hope that helps. And whether you’re in a relationship or not, I wish you a very Happy Valentines.
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I'd Love To Hear From You...
Do you find yourself falling into the "I'm ok if you're ok" trap? Or relying on others to make you feel loved? I always love hearing from you, so please share your thoughts in the comments box below.